I’m just a typical girl trying to find my way in this crazy world. I’m nothing special, and I’ve certainly got my troubles: I’m poor, I’m single, my mom is terminally ill, I don’t love my job, I’m not happy, and I don’t have enough health insurance to seek professional help of any kind. So one day, I went on Pinterest and saw a piece of culinary/life advice that literally changed me inside and motherfucking out. I baked an egg inside of an avocado and my world fucking exploded. Ladies, I’m not kidding around here. This kitchen trick is honestly everything you’ve ever wanted. I won’t bore you with the details, but here’s a brief sampling of the deluge of miracles I experienced the literal second after I cracked an egg inside the yonic hole within an avocado and placed it in the oven: My chronic depression stemming from a traumatic childhood experience that was never resolved due to a faulty legal team? DONEZOOOO. I’m now happily married to Chris Pratt!!! My mother’s terminal breast cancer is cured and Sandra Bullock is slated to play her in a biopic about the whole ordeal, even though my mother does not have a face for Hollywood, which is the real miracle and truly a kind gesture on behalf of the movie industry, ‘cause honestly no one’s gonna watch the story of someone heroically surviving cancer if they have sunspots and laugh-lines. Also we don’t have any medical billz! (thanks Chris Pratt!) I barely even feel my NuvaRing when I masturbate. ** BUT I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO MASTURBATE ‘CAUSE DID I MENTION I’M HAPPILY MARRIED TO CHRIS PRATT. No one follows me when I walk home alone at night! When I use a ketchup bottle, I never have to deal with that watery stuff that sometimes come out!! I have adopted the same morning routine as Christian Bale in American Psycho and I am fucking luvving it. On that note, when I murder people, I get away with it!!!!!!! A Nigerian Prince sent me a charming email and it wasn't a scam. I got a toy pug. That popcorn kernel stuck in my molars fiiiiinally went away. Once again, food hackers, I can’t recommend this simple trick enough. Bake an egg inside an avocado and buckle the hell up, cuz your tits are about to get blown clean off!
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