White Woman Really Needs You to Know She Can Handle Spicy Food

It was revealed this morning that Minneapolis-based white woman, Laura Samper, can not only handle spicy food, but genuinely enjoys it. The news, which came directly from the source, has since been corroborated by friends of Samper. “Yeah, Laura likes spicy food,” said Samper’s longtime friend Magda Gutierrez. “She tells me all the time. I think she thinks I’ll be impressed because I’m Puerto Rican? But almost everyone likes spicy food, so I’m not really sure why she’s telling me.” Sources close to Samper confirm that it remains unclear whether she thinks her tolerance for spice is a personality trait, a point of pride, a distancer from her whiteness, or all of the above. Incredibly, Samper’s commitment to spreading awareness of her spicy food affinity extends beyond her friend group. On more than one occasion, she has been witnessed telling food handlers that she is down for serious spice. “When she asked for our hottest hot sauce, I warned her it was really spicy because that’s what I’ve been instructed to do,” said Christian Hernandez, an employee of a burrito chain near Samper’s residence. “She then said, ‘Trust me, I can handle it,’ and winked. It made me uncomfortable.” Reportedly, a distaste for flavorful or spicy food is the white stereotype Samper is most dedicated to subverting. “The other day I said I preferred regular Cheetos to Hot Cheetos and Laura goes, ‘ugh, you’re so white,’” said Samper’s sister Mischa Samper. “We’re both white! We have the same two white parents.” Samper takes every precaution to ensure the people around her know that she’s not like other white ladies because she’s a white lady who loves and can totally handle spicy food. “Did someone say spicy food?” asked Samper. “The spicier, the better. Bring it on.” “The other day I was cracking jokes to my friend Mia about white people bringing unseasoned potato salad to the cookout. She loved it,” Samper continued. Mia Washington, Samper’s black coworker who was present in the lunchroom at the wrong time, denies that she loved this interaction. “It was very weird and tone-deaf,” said Washington. “Maybe she should spend her time counteracting the tenets of whiteness that actually uphold supremacy rather than making sure people know she likes spicy food.” Samper did not hear Washington’s comments over the sound of her own voice loudly requesting extra hot sauce from a halal cart. “You don’t have any ghost pepper powder, do you?”

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