It’s a special time of year when you gather with your family to celebrate Christmas. After a morning of giving gifts, there’s nothing better than dressing up and looking like a poised young woman who absolutely does not have a storied experience with oral sex. Here are some classy, festive dresses that say, “Don’t worry, There’s never been a dick in this mouth.” Side Ruched Dress (Alex Evenings, $209) This elegant red dress features ruched fabric and a jeweled broach—fashionable details that are sure to secure your reputation as a polished and proper lady. With this knee-length number, you’ll never reveal your true identity: a cock-crazed monster who demanded your high school boyfriend let you give road-head in his Nissan. You’ve been gobbling dicks for years, but with this dress, Grandma will think the only thing you’ve ever gobbled is a Christmas ham. Rose Beauty Belted Fit & Flare Dress (City Chic, $89) Nothing says loveliness and refinement like a nice floral pattern, and this feminine belted dress will lend you an air of innocence. That’s exactly what you need, since your family must never suspect that you’re a deep-throat queen with a god-like gag reflex. Yes, the way you can stuff a dick down your throat and breathe through your nose is divine, but this regal dress will all but guarantee your parents think of their little girl’s smile as one untouched by a penis. Midi Dress (NSR, $68) This delicate green dress may not be camouflage, but it’s sure to disguise your true identity as a dick diva with an appetite for swollen junk. Throw on this graceful dress and when you answer your sweet old grandpa’s question of “What have you been up to?” with “All sorts of stuff,” he’ll never know that you’re really talking about all sorts of dick-sucking. This dress will keep your family from discovering that you spend your nights doing anything from licking balls to getting face-fucked, and that’s exactly how you like it. But right now you look pure as fuck. Scuba Midi Dress (Maggy London, $158) This slim-cut vibrant dress with a jeweled neckline may seem flashy, but that hem extends over the knee, so consider your family utterly blind to your love of blowing dudes. Not only does this dress say, “I never get a sore throat from my aggressive cock-sucking ways,” it says, “I have no idea that is even a possibility because as far as I know, penises are just for peeing.” Success! Wear any of these Christmas dresses, and you’ll manage to pull the virginal wool over your family’s eyes. That way, you’ll seamlessly get through the evening—and hurry home for a midnight dick snack. Yum!
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