So like everyone even vaguely attracted to men, you’re in love with Oscar Isaac, but the real question that looms over your every waking moment is: Would Oscar Isaac love you back? Not, like, if you were some sort of stalker fan, but if he really, really got to know you somehow. Take this quiz to find out! If you met Oscar Isaac, would you make him laugh? a.) Yes. I would make Oscar laugh so hard and unexpectedly that he would bashfully cover his mouth, then look up meeting my eyes, take me in for a moment, and say, “Hi, I’m Oscar.” You would blush, which would make him blush. He knows you know who he is, but he wants to know you. b.) No, I would not. I would choke under the pressure and then probably ask for his autograph. If you and Oscar Isaac stayed up all night talking, what would happen? a.) He would listen closely to my stories and offer insightful observations. At around 3:30 A.M. he would tell me a memory from his childhood that shaped his view of humanity, then murmur gently, “Huh, I’ve never said that out loud before.” b.) Oscar would not enjoy my stories. I would explain that I was born, went to school (pre-K through 12th grade), lost my virginity at an average age, went to an okay college, and live with some roommates. Then I would ask him about Star Wars, by saying, “So Star Wars?” You and Oscar Isaac fall asleep while talking and wake up in his bed the next morning. Now what? a.) You look over at his beautiful sleeping profile, illuminated by a ray of early morning light. You feel completely at peace with the knowledge that even if you go your separate ways, you will be better off for having experienced such a profound connection. His eyes open, he turns to you, smiles, and says, “So what are we doing today?” b.) You wake up with a weird sty. He’s nice about it but clearly grossed out. He has a busy day and politely recommends a breakfast spot down the block. You pause in the doorway, wanting to explain yourself and ask for a second chance, but the impatient look on his face makes you think better of it. Goodbye, Oscar Isaac. Goodbye. Results: Mostly A’s: Wow. Oscar Isaac would seriously fall in love with you if he really got to know you in a natural way. To be clear, he won’t, but you should feel good knowing that in another life, you two would complete each other. Mostly B’s: What the fuck?!! You completely bombed with Oscar Isaac in your own fantasy. You need to do some self-evaluating. Almost no one will ever be loved by Oscar Isaac, but everyone deserves to think they could be.
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