Why I Stopped Online Dating and Started Fingering My Own Ass

We all know that online dating is a trash fire, contributing to lower self-esteem and even depression. Looking for love (or even just casual sex) on the apps requires submitting yourself to unsolicited dick pics, nerve-wracking selfie selection, and constant rejection. So this year I decided to delete all the apps and just start fingering my own ass. That’s right. Now, whenever I get the urge to swipe right, I instead swipe some lube on my finger and pleasure my butthole. Making forced small talk with strangers and going on date after excruciating date sets you up for disappointment and feeling like true joy is out of reach. But buying yourself a drink, pulling on a latex glove (I learned this in a sex class), and massaging your own asshole all night will never disappoint. These days I can’t believe how much time I used to devote to searching through the apps for available partners before I could even get in the room with someone who I may or may not have any chemistry with. Now I can spend a fraction of that time teasing and training my asshole before having a mind-blowing anal orgasm. I’ve read entire books with the time I’ve gained. And my ass is happier than ever. Anyone who’s informed about anal play knows that it’s best to get comfortable with it on your own before bringing in a partner. But what I can tell you is that it’s even better to bring in a partner never. That’s because it saves you from ever having to open any dating app, or look at a blurred photo of a guy holding a beer, or chat with someone whose response to your job title is “What’s that?” Nope, you can just be riding solo on your own lubed finger, happily ever after. I promise you won’t be disappointed!

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