Cat Furious at You for Singing Made-Up Song About Her

In a story developing out of Chicago, your cat is reportedly furious following an incident in which you sang a little made-up song about her. The encounter started calmly enough, with your cat Penelope resting at the foot of your bed while you responded to emails. However, the mood soured when you began talking to her in the stream-of-consciousness style reserved for pets, and asking in a sing-songy voice, “Are you a cat or a baby?” Unfortunately, it appears Penelope’s warning glares were insufficient to deter you, as you were already approaching the turning point from pet-talk to full-on song. “You are a wittle cat and you’re licking your feet/Your feet are made of candy/Cats’ feet are Nerds Rope, and I’m going to eat your face,” you sang. At this point, Penelope let out a brief, low growl to indicate this disrespectful tune was really pissing her off, but you were onto the next verse before you could process her early reactions. “Your fur is soft, and your feet are small/You are so cute, I’m going to die,” you continued. “You like yarn, and sleeping on radiator/You are not a dog.” This seemed to really set Penelope off, as she flattened her ears against her head and hissed directly at you with a fury in her eyes that suggested extreme and possibly irreparable offense. “I don’t get why she’s so mad,” you said. “The song I was singing was ultimately very complimentary to her face and feet.” Though Penelope cannot explicitly tell you what set her off, it is clear from the way she jumped from your bed, then took a few steps and sat facing the door so she doesn’t have to look at you, that she’s angry as all hell. “Cats are enigmatic, and have a vast interiority,” said feline veterinarian Dr. Shaquell Harris. “There is no exact translation of what a cat is feeling, but Penelope seems to be insulted by the low-grade, nonsense lyrics and uninspired tune of the song you made up about her.” Well, that explains it. At press time, Penelope was still avoiding eye contact with you.

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