Study Finds Maybe Roommate Can Hear Your Vibrator, Maybe They Can't, What Are Ya Gonna Do

 A recent study from the University of Toronto found that maybe your roommate can hear your vibrator, maybe they can’t, what are ya gonna do? “The data extraction process was at times grueling,” said the senior director of the six-month study, Dr. Genevieve Pope. “But it was all worth it in the end, and not just because we’re receiving accolades for our huge breakthrough in the field. It’s worth it for the real people who will be helped by our findings.” After countless late nights in the lab, dead ends, and desk lunches, Dr. Pope and her team were finally able to prove that it’s possible your roommate can hear the unmistakable sound of your vibrator while you masturbate in the next room, it’s also possible they can’t, and at the end of the day, it is what it is. “I’ll try not to get too jargon-y here,” said Dr. Pope. “But essentially, we proved the existence of some situations where a hearing roommate would discern the resonance of you jerking it in your room, and others still where they wouldn’t, due perhaps to wall-thickness, or because they’re watching a program on their laptop.” “The result we were all most surprised by was finding that the whole thing is sort of an ’Ah, what can ya do?’ situation,” added Dr. Pope. “Your roommate probably already suspects that you do in fact masturbate.” “I believe ‘Comme ci, comme ca. Not worth taking action to change the situation’ was the official wording of our conclusion.” While the team did commit resources to exploring some vibrator noise obfuscating contingencies, they concluded that aw, come on, whatever. “If you’re really jackhammering away in there on some sort of setting three-plus bender, then you could consider playing cover-up music or plugging in a fan,” said Dr. Pope. “But ultimately, it’s not a uniquely offensive sound. Our official stance: If you pay rent, you can cum in your room.” “It’s sort of a Schrodinger’s masturbation,” added Dr. Pope. “In that, you know, maybe they can hear it, maybe not, either way you don’t have the energy to go manual right now. I’m not a physicist.” So here’s to embracing the freedom of uncertainty. Fire up those vibes!

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