While many Americans lament the length of their dickless quarantine, experts in the subject warn that a failure to abstain from dick in the short term could lead to a second wave of no dick later, which is nearly inevitable, given the track that we’re on. “It’s vital that we heed these warnings now,” says Erica Vale, who tracks dick access from the University of California, Berkeley. “I get it, we all want dick. But if we all go around getting it now, you know it’s only going to increase the likelihood that we can’t get dick later.” “This sucks, but I get it,” says Ashley Redlener, a single woman in Texas. “Not being able to go out and catch some dick is practically killing me. But I know what will really destroy me is if I can’t get any dick come fall.” Vale says that Americans who aren’t into dick should heed the warnings as well. “The data is pretty much the same whether you’re giving dick, getting it, or it’s pussy or any other body part you’re after. If we don’t curb our sexual appetites in the short term, we’re in for a painfully horny autumn.” Asked if there were any loopholes to the matter, such as wearing masks, Vale grew heated. “I really can’t make it any clearer. We need to drop the dicks and drop them now.”
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