‘What If You Just Didn’t Let It Bother You?’ Muses Therapist Cryptically

Frustrated that she had spent $30 on a copay only to receive baffling mysticism in return, 29-year-old Molly Foster reported feeling perplexed when her therapist brought up the possibility of letting go of a meaningless comment made by a coworker she barely knows. “Just choose to not let it bother me?” asked Foster. “What is that, a fucking riddle?” “I came here to get help, but my therapist just listens empathetically, then gently guides me to considering options that would only be possible if I had supernatural powers,” continued Foster. “She asked me to imagine what my life would be like if I focused more of my energy on things that make me happy. Like I have time for that! How can I magically concentrate on the positive when I’m busy ruminating on my insecurities for days on end? What’s next? She’s going to tell me to master telekinesis?” Wow! Sounds like that therapist is definitely not living in reality! “She also says that I could work on accepting things I can’t control,” says Foster. “But that’s completely ridiculous: I could totally control everything if I just work harder at torturing myself with my thoughts. Those are cold hard facts.” Right on, Molly! Where is this therapist even getting her information from, cursed ancient scripts? Despite Molly’s suspicions, her therapist insisted that there is nothing unusual about her methods. “I am a licensed social worker, and my goal is to help Molly think about her behaviors so she can take better care of herself,” reported Cheryl. Jeez, talk about being in denial! “Her comments are so out there, it’s as if she actually expects me to take proactive steps towards resolving the problems I came to therapy to address in the first place,” says Foster. “Well, the joke’s on you, because I am going to stay forever trapped in my little pattern of self-destruction, and I’ve got a Costco-sized tub of excuses for why I absolutely will not change.” “For example, I know that if I allow myself to relax even a tiny bit, I will never get anything done again and my life will be ruined. So my therapist can save her otherworldly opinions for someone who actually believes in stuff like ESP because everything she talks about is unrealistic to me.” Molly further explained. At press time, Molly was still brooding over the coworker who had told her that a project deadline was coming up, most certainly meaning it as an insult to her competence rather than a friendly reminder.

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