‘It’s Just Nice To Have A Break From The News,’ Says Woman Whose Hand Is Trapped In The Garbage Disposal

Chicago resident Sophia Lane, who sources confirm has had her hand stuck in the garbage disposal for 45 minutes, reports on just how nice it’s been to have a break from the news for a little while. “Between the militarized police using force to stifle protestors, Trump basically declaring war on the public, and covid continuing to do its thing, now is really not an okay time to tune out the news,” says Lane. “However, so long as my hand is stuck in this garbage disposal I kind of have to, and it’s been incredibly restorative.” The troubling scene in Lane’s apartment unfolded when she shoved the crust of a sandwich she had just eaten over the sink into the disposal, only to catch her bracelet on an unseen fixture of the device. “I had already turned the disposal on, and now I can’t reach the switch from where I’m stuck,” Lane says. “And you know what else I can’t reach? My phone. Which is amazing because this is the longest I’ve been off Twitter in nine days, and yes that includes sleeping.” Though witnesses and reporters alike have pointed out the many options available to ease the situation, Lane has been hesitant to accept help. “When I came into the kitchen and saw her wide-eyed with her hand stuck in the garbage disposal, I obviously wanted to help,” said Lane’s roommate, Olivia Chen. “But she wouldn’t let me call anyone, wouldn’t let me try to see what’s stuck down there, wouldn’t even let me turn the disposal off. She must be really scared.” “If the disposal is turned off, I’ll still be stuck, but the fear will go away,” says Lane. “And while I already can’t read the news, the fear stops me from thinking about all I already know is happening in the world.” At press time, Lane has every intention to drag out this situation as long as is feasible. “Oh wow, I think I just lost the tip of a finger,” says Lane. “God, this is peaceful.”

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