'I Think Quarantine Will Change Fuckboy Culture,' Says Stupid Idiot

In a story coming out of Queens, NY, 26-year-old Kimberly Song has some truly ridiculous thoughts about the post-COVID future of shitty men. “I just think quarantine will have an overall effect on fuckboy culture,” said Kimberly, a big ol’ stupid idiot. “People are going to be looking for more genuine connections with each other.” Kimberly, who is the deadly combination naive and empathetic, went on to explain her hilarious dumb-ass thoughts. “Being stuck indoors for months at a time has forced guys to like, go back to courting, like in the old days,” she said. “There’s none of that rush to get girls into bed. I think that’ll last!” “I really believe that this experience will get scummy dudes to open their eyes,” Kimberly added, like a childish moron. “They can’t take us for granted anymore.” Fuckboys across the nation disagree with Kimberly's sentiments. “Yeah, no, I’m definitely just gonna be trying to get laid after this,” said Henry Doyon of Dubuque. “I haven’t gotten any since February. I’ll say whatever I can to whichever girl will listen if it means I get my dick wet.” “Oh, I’m totally gonna be back at it once I can leave my house,” said Reed Stein, a Tampa resident fuckboy. “I’ve been on Tinder planting some seeds since this all started. I got like at least three chicks lined up, who think I wanna be their boyfriend.” “Not even a global pandemic can stop my swag,” he added. But poor, simple Kimberly is remaining optimistic. “I just have a really good feeling that we’re all gonna be better people after this,” she said, in a moment of brain failure. “This whole thing is gonna bring out a lot of humanity, even for fuckboys.” “And if not, I’m not super concerned. I mostly just wanna get laid,” Kimberly added, showing a glimmer of realism.

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