Uh Oh: Dad Read an Article

In a concerning story out of Vero Beach, Florida, father Dave Lohman just read an article that now comprises the entirety of his worldview. Lohman shows no signs of changing his mind, forgetting about the article, or reading another article anytime soon. “This has been a huge problem for us,” said daughter Christina Lohman. “I’ve been talking to him about peaceful protests every day, and I really thought we were getting somewhere. But then he read an article, and now he’s saying that marches are actually an act of surveillance of policemen.” Oh no, Christina! When pressed, Lohman was unable to say exactly what the article was about, but he did say that it “makes points that SOME PEOPLE are afraid to make” and it “says what needs to be said.” “Dad’s never been very political,” said son Bill Lohman. “I mean, he reads the news, and he listens to the radio, and one time he went to a bowling alley and came back with like five pamphlets on how vaccination is a psy-op to make us feel sick. So this is definitely new.” Based on careful analysis of Lohman’s post-article analysis, the article may have been written by a policeman, a right-wing pundit, a restaurant worker, someone who just really loves restaurants, a small business owner, someone who just really loves small business owners, a podcaster, Milo Yiannopoulos, or any of the guys on Lohman’s Ultimate Frisbee team. “I have no idea where Dad found the article,” said Christina. “When I asked Dad, he just said he saw it on a ‘good website’. Then he said that the real reparations would be giving money to the guys whose faces are on Mt. Rushmore, because they never got paid for that.” “When I said we should all be educating ourselves, this isn’t what I meant.” At press time, Lohman received a“long text” from a friend, which may have set his politics back another 30 years.

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