Why I’m Staying at Home Unless You Have a Boat

The United States is seeing more new cases of COVID-19 than ever. And in a few weeks, the death toll will be just as harrowing. That’s why, in the interest of my safety and others, I’ll be staying the fuck home this summer. That is, unless you have a boat. And, you know, a mask, I guess. Depends on how big the boat is, though. You have a boat, right? Our government has failed us, and now we all bear a personal responsibility to protect our most vulnerable. I’m doing my part to keep people safe by washing my hands, wearing a mask, and remaining within my close quarantine circle – unless, of course, you’re having a party on your boat it’s a really good party and I’m invited. Tragically, black and brown people are getting and dying from the disease at a much higher rate than white people, which is exactly why I’m not publicly posting anything about who has a boat and who doesn’t. That would look bad. In reality, I’m setting an example by posting a selfie of me wearing a mask, while actively seeking out the name and location of your boat, doing everything in my power to summon you to ask me if I want to go for a quick ride on the boat, or maybe take a jaunt to the Hamptons and meet up with some friends on your boat. I won’t even take off my mask – unless you offer me a beer or a glass of wine or something, which I’m not expecting of you but would totally say yes if you offered it. Will you let me drive the boat? Just asking. When it comes to engaging in normal activities again, the risks simply outweigh the benefits – and that’s exactly why I’m encouraging everyone to mask up and stay safe. But did you know you are more likely to die from COVID than to even meet someone with a boat? Those numbers aren’t looking good. Now more than ever, in these unprecedented times, I really need to go on your boat. Can I just look at the boat from six feet away? Please?

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