Woman Can Finally Hold Wedding Ceremony For Barbies Whose Boobs She Used To Rub Together

Last week, upon hearing the news that same-sex marriage had been legalized across the nation, 27-year-old Chicago resident Katy Tucker was overjoyed. At long last, it was time to tie the knot between two of her childhood toys, Barbie and Barbie. Although the dolls had been in storage and virtually forgotten for nearly fifteen years, Tucker immediately took a long weekend off work so she could make the trip for her old friends’ same-sex wedding. “My heart was racing the entire six hour drive to my parents’ home in rural Ohio. I couldn’t believe how long they’d waited for this! Something told me they were going to have the biggest smiles on their faces. I was so looking forward to rubbing their smooth, nippleless breasts together again…but this time as wife and wife. My Barbies were about to be out of both the literal and the figurative the closet and into two of the fifteen wedding dresses my aunts had given me for birthday and Christmas gifts over the years. It was a pretty magical feeling.” Tucker, a financial analyst, informs reporters that she always got a thrill out of clanking and clonking the Barbies’ four plastic breasts together in the heat of a playtime moment. “I never really knew why I was doing it. It just felt right,” says Tucker. “It made such a naturally satisfying sound, never muffled by tiny doll bras. Which now, as a grown up, I see was Mattel’s way of making an anti-patriarchal statement.” The ceremony was an intimate gathering in the backyard of the Dream House, where Barbie and Barbie had been living together as domestic partners all these years. Skipper, Teresa, Headless Midge, Todd, and Kelly were in attendance. The secular ceremony was officiated by Furby, who almost shed a tear upon saying, “U-nye may may-tah the brides… yum!” Though invited, Ken was conspicuously absent and not answering his car phone. While Barbie still felt guilty for breaking his heart years ago, other Barbie reassured her that perhaps their lawful union would finally give him some closure. “Every little girl dreams of her Barbies’ wedding day,” says Tucker, dabbing at her eyes. “But honestly, I had accepted that it may never happen for mine. I’m so lucky to be living at this pivotal time in history.”

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