How to Tell If He's in Love With You by the Way He Says, ‘Oh Fuck, I'm About to Cum’

According to that guy you’re so graciously letting inside you, he’s about to cum. And while the sentence, “Oh fuck, I’m about to cum,” may not seem like much more than a simple declaration of information, a closer listen to his words just might reveal something you’ve been waiting for him to admit for the entire three-and-a-half years you’ve been letting this dude hit you up at midnight and not return your texts: He’s totally in love with you! Here’s how to know for sure that it’s time to make friends for the sole purpose of having bridesmaids at your wedding. He sounds like he’s trapped inside a Dr. Seuss book Does your man say “OhfuckI'mabouttocum” like it’s the name of a fuzzy, somewhat terrifying, needlessly mustached Dr. Seuss protagonist? Well, that's probably because he knows if he takes even one breath between 'Ohfuck' and 'I'mabouttocum,' he'll be asking you to marry him instead of blowing his load all over your Egyptian cotton TJ Maxx sheets. Fortunately, if a profession of love (and cum) does happen, you can put a new sheet set on your registry. You should totally joke with him about this later! He says the word “fuck” like he just remembered how Game of Thrones ended Game of Thrones aired its lackluster finale in May 2019 — and speaking of a disappointing finish, your man is about to air his finale in, on, and around your belly button. However, if your guy emphasizes the word “fuck” as if he’s just remembered what a shitshow the final GoT season was, there’s no need to freak. He’s most likely just realizing how in love with your soul he really is, and wishing he’d met you when he was younger so he could have sent you dick pics via Snapchat during working hours sooner. That’s 1000x better than the GoT finale, especially since you guys aren’t cousins. He yells it like a Wheel of Fortune contestant Hey, girl. Are you Pat Sajak? Because your man is ready to solve the puzzle.The category is “What Are You Doing?” and the answer isn’t appropriate for broadcast television. That said, if your guy carefully calls out each word of “OH FUCK, I’M ABOUT TO CUM” as if winning the other half of a Mazda pickup depends on it, he’s definitely in love with you. Here’s the thing: If he wasn’t madly in love with you, do you think he’d care to let you, your roommate, your upstairs neighbor, and the person they’re FaceTiming know with 100 percent certainty that he’s about to serve up some of that jizz jazz pizazz? We didn’t think so. Take this man to the bonus round and see what he can do with three more consonants and a vowel. As the old adage goes, there are many ways to say, “I love you,” and even more ways to say, “Oh fuck, I’m about to cum.” After all, not all men are alike, according to some dudes on Twitter, So, no matter how the guy inside your vagina chooses to let you know he won’t be making you cum tonight, it’s important to remember that you’re worthy of every ounce of love and bodily fluid that comes your way.

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