As we enter the sixth month of social distancing, you may notice that things are getting tougher for your single friend who lives alone. While at first, she was simply binging way too much Love Island, things are getting more serious now, and she’s ordered three new vibrators since May. Here are a few ways that you can continue to check in on the well being of your horned-up pal without changing your relationship forever by making her cum so hard her brain explodes into a thousand satisfied pieces all just from saying ‘hello’ or something. Send her a care package. It’s a loving gesture to send a nice care package to your friend as long as the goodies that are inside of it don’t actually have an effect on your friend’s own goodies. It is important to remember, however, that if you are dropping the gifts off in person, you must never linger on their doorstep. Leaving behind pheromones could cause your friend to absolutely super soak her own welcome mat. Have fun with it, but steer clear from cupcakes because they will resemble sweet little tits to your horny friend. Invite her to a Zoom chat. Zoom is so popular in the time of quar that people use it as a verb. Feel free to extend an invitation to your friend to catch up over the app, but never look straight into the camera lens. The intimacy of eye contact comes with a high risk of making her shoot right off of her chair and into the ceiling. Suggest making a fun cocktail together, like a glass of milk alone in a cold shower. Plan a game night with friends. Getting a bigger group together for a little virtual competition is a great way to make your friend feel less alone. Just make sure you avoid turning her competitive frustration into a sexual frustration that causes her to splooj so hard that everyone loses. Try out charades where the category is geography and you’re only allowed to move your arms, or coordinate a game of trivia with topics like “Your religious upbringing” and “Soggy quiches.” If that’s still too stimulating, just start a knitting circle instead. These are just some of the ways you can reach out to your thirsty friend in need during these trying times, but what's most important is that you never EVER allude to the fact that you are boning in quarantine. And if you completely lose control of the situation, just send her a photo of Taika Waititi and then run into the ocean as fast as you can.
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