How to Cum Hard Enough to Envision the End of Capitalism

Sometimes, when you’re looking for the Big O, thinking about the various crises conferred on the world by too-big-to-fail financial institutions can really take the wind out of your sails. Fortunately, we’ve got some tips for you to cum so hard, you’re able to conceive of a future without capitalism. Here’s how: Use Your Breath Concentrate on mixing up your breathing. Alternate between long and short breaths. Need a trick to induce shortness of breath? Imagine the student loan debt you’re suffocating under every single day. Introduce a Vibrator Speaking of, doesn’t a mechanical penis prove that any job can be automated? I mean, like, what’s to say we all couldn’t lose our jobs tomorrow? Where are the social safety nets that should undergird a society that leaves things in such a precarious state? Act Out a Fantasy Let your imagination run wild! Pretend you’re Kristalina Georgieva, the Managing Director of the IMF, and your partner is Jerome Powell, the Chair of the Federal Reserve. Together, the two of you channel your influence to abolish currency - all while pounding the everloving fuck out of each other. Talk Theory to Me Stock up on those Verso books! Sometimes, softly whispering Judith Butler into your partner’s ear is exactly what the doctor ordered. But don’t stop there: Describe the left’s new vision of public transport as a means to rebuild the social fabric. Steamy! Switch Positions We all have our favorite ways of getting down, but why not try switching things up? Are you a Trotskyist? Try seeing things from the Maoist perspective. Are you a Leninist? Let down your guard, and embrace some free-wheeling experimentation with Anarchism. Think About Sweden Yes, it seems like a no-brainer, but thinking about the Nordic model can really hurry things along. While he’s thinking about baseball, you can fantasize about universal healthcare and free tertiary education. Following just a few of these tips can be the difference between a run-of-the-mill orgasm and an earthquake of pleasure that enables you to imagine a future where Jeff Bezos doesn’t make more in one week than your entire lineage makes over the course of all of recorded history. But if none of these tips work, you can always do kegels while calling your reps! Try it!

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