The holidays are upon us, and there’s no better time of the year to show that you’re merry and bright. But it can be all but impossible to do that when this season of giving is overshadowed by the unsettling omnipresence of Santa’s unexpected, and for some reason, Italian, sidekick. So if you catch yourself slipping into seasonal despair, here are a few ways to feign holiday cheer despite being haunted by Dominic, the Italian Christmas Donkey. Put on an ugly Christmas sweater. There’s nothing that’ll get you into a carefree holiday spirit like sporting an ugly Christmas sweater. Or try donning an ugly Hanukkah or Kwanzaa sweater! No matter your persuasion, you’ll appear as if you’re full of holiday cheer while you silently suffer through Dominick the donkey’s eerie presence in your subconscious, stiltedly climbing the hills of Italy where Santa’s reindeer cannot, hee-hawing into the void. Deck your halls. Bring the Christmas feeling into your home! Throw a holly wreath onto your front door, or weave some garland around your railings. You’ll look festive in no time! Not that any of that will distract you from the ominous, beckoning manifestation of the Italian Christmas donkey in the back of your mind, the mayor’s hat dangling so perilously from his tufted head. Hee-haw! Organize a Secret Santa. Celebrate the season of giving by giving some gifts! No matter where you do it, anyone would be happy to receive a small token of your thought and anyone would think that you’re a regular Chris Cringle for putting the whole event together! Of course, that won’t matter, because while your outside presents as someone surrounded in holiday spirit, your inside is engulfed by the haunting, harrowing spectre of Dominick the donkey floating through your memories, understanding Italian somehow, taunting you. HEE-HAW, HEE-HAW. Play some other Christmas music! If worst comes to worst, try playing some other Christmas music. Or Mariachi music, or Phish, or even just “Two Princes” by The Spin Doctors over and over again. Truly any kind of grating melody will be better than being consumed by thoughts of Dominick, the Italian Christmas donkey, dropping off a pair of shoes for Louie and a dress for Josephine, hee-hawing his deeply disturbing way through the ether of your mind, threatening to ruin your holiday season for the foreseeable future, mocking your feeble attempts to forget about his equine power, beckoning you further, further into the abyss. Try any of these tips to help get you into the Christmas spirit and attempt to drown out Dominick the Italian Christmas donkey’s haunting presence in your headspace. Happy holidays!
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